What Have I Done to My Perfectly Good Life?

I have no idea who Soren Kierkegaard is. He has never met me, but I feel like he is the only one who understands me when he wrote,  “To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”  Most people talk about adventure being this phenomenal experience.  Maybe a year from now I’ll say that adventure was phenomenal.   My husband and I are about to embark upon an adventure and I am beside myself  in anxiety. Every morning I awake and ask myself, “What have I done to my perfectly good life?” I really thought I had a good life. Usually my adventures are week long trips in fun places where I return to the safety of my home a wiser and more profound person.  This time, I am pulling up roots,  giving up my bed, giving up my home and moving to a place that is the furthest from my suburban lifestyle possible.  We are moving to the family farm in Sweetgrass, MT. The population in Phoenix is quadruple the population of the state of Montana.  Moreover, the population of my neighborhood is quadruple the population of  Sweetgrass and the 5 nearest cities.  The nearest grocery store in Sweetgrass is 30 miles away.  The nearest hair stylist for curly biracial hair MAY be 150 miles away.  That is a big maybe.  And, it is a lot harder to hide in the crowd (especially with poofy wavy hair), if someone doesn’t like you, if the crowd isn’t there.  Right now my life is a big muddy road that can keep me stuck in the mire. Or at best make the steps forward more difficult than I would like.

muddy path

Sometimes adventure looks like this

But what happens if I don’t go.  Again Mr. Kierkegaard answered the question.  If I stay in my safety zone I will lose myself. Parts of me will be lost because they were never required. So my mantra for this journey is simple:  Love people more than they love you. Hopefully, if my love is big enough, they won’t see that I need a haircut-or the fact that my skin is tanner than theirs won’t matter.  If my love is big enough them knowing how special they are will help them see that I could be special to them too.

Most important if my love is big enough it will help me embrace this adventure that makes me want to hide under my bed and never reemerge.  And I will walk to the end of this adventure with a smile so bright, it will make others know that they can do it too.

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